


A Little Irony

by funkyatheart



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Eventual Fluff, Humor, I'm thinking dipper and mabel are like 14 or 15 in this, Kid!Bill - Freeform, M/M, Rituals, and bill's the same age, bill used to be human, eventually, first fic don't judge me, post-A Tale of Two Stans, spells, technically underage but there's no sexual stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-10 02:25:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4373612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funkyatheart/pseuds/funkyatheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Bill was once a human, and Dipper's going to help him change back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song 'A Little Irony' by Tom Milsom

Bitter did not sum up what Dipper was. His family, having overlooked him all summer, were ignoring him once again. After storming into his room for what felt like the thousandth time that week, he laid down on his bed angrily. It wasn’t fair. Stan had always liked Mabel better, and now Ford did too. And although he didn’t blame Mabel, he was starting to get frustrated with her as well. He couldn’t help it. His brooding was interrupted by the world around him suddenly turning gray. He smashed his face into a pillow.

“Not you again! What do you want?” Dipper groaned as the triangular demon appeared.

“Me? Nothing! I’m BORED. Thought I’d pop in on your life and see if there was anything interesting. And there is! An angsty bout. I’m all about the bouts, Pine Tree.”

“Bored? How do demons even get bored?”

“Oh, everyone gets bored. Humans, demons, whatever Soos is,” Bill turned around in the air a few times. 

“And we all relieve ourselves by talking! You seem like you could do with a talk. What happened this time?”

Dipper sighed. Of all people to pour his heart out to, Bill Cipher was definitely not his first choice. However, he was running out of options.

“Come on, kid!” The triangle implored, “I could be your therapist.” Bill was now holding a pad of paper and a pen that had come out of nowhere.

“Trust me, I’m all ears.” The demon’s form was suddenly covered in ears. Dipper cringed.

“Okay, that’s... really weird- Well, I guess my family’s pretty lame right now. After Grunkle Stan got the author out of the portal, I thought we would be like, best friends. But he’s just been talking to Mabel for the entire time he’s been here. And Stan’s the same way… but he’s been like that all summer!”

Bill nodded, looking down at his paper, apparently deep in thought, ears finally gone.

“And how does that make you feel?” He asked.

“Ugh, this is so dumb! Why am I telling you any of this?” Dipper asked. “You literally possessed me-”

“Water under the bridge!”

“-You tried to hurt my family,”

“I thought you were just talking about how much you hated them?” Dipper sighed.

“I don’t hate them. I’m just… kind of not super happy with them right now.” He said.

Bill stood up (if he was ever sitting down). 

“Fine, okay. You could always just tell them how you feel, but what do I know. See you on the flipside, Dip Dop!”

The entire room flipped upside down. Right as dipper was yelling, he woke up, still with a sense that he was falling.

“Huh.” Was his last thought before drifting back to sleep, this time not haunted by a dream demon.


	2. Chapter 2

It had happened again. Dipper, Mabel, and Stan were sitting in the living room attempting to play a boardgame (which mostly just resulted in literally everyone cheating), when Mabel had made an offhand comment about Dipper’s height. This of course, set off a painful string of ridicule from her and Stan.

“Could you guys knock it off?” Dipper asked, getting annoyed. Stan looked at him sternly.

“Now don’t get- short with me, kid!” He and Mabel lost it. Dipper decided that was enough.

“Ugh! That is it! You guys won’t stop being awful to me lately!”

“Dipper-” Mabel tried to interject.

“No, no! Mabel, you keep making fun of me, and Grunkle Stan, you’ve always liked Mabel better. It’s not fair! Even Ford thinks I’m a huge nerd who doesn’t matter. I’m sick of it!”

He stormed out. Only to storm back in a few seconds later to say “And don’t follow me!”

This left Stan and Mabel sitting on the floor, rather dazed. Stan sighed.

“Follow him? I don’t even know where he was going.”

Mabel, however, looked stricken.

“Grunkle Stan what do we do? He’s so mad at us! Maybe I should get us a get-along sweater. No, that’s too obvious. But what if he goes and does something stupid?” Stan waved his hand.

“Nah, I’m sure he’ll be fine. Probably just needs to get it out of his system. How much trouble can that kid be in?”

 

…

 

Dipper was sitting on the roof with a demon. Bill had appeared there shortly after Dipper’s outburst, reminiscent of the night before he’d possessed him.

“Bill? But, I’m not dreaming. Right?” The scenery around him was indeed in color.

“Ha, no. But guess what I got? A corporeal form! Man, it feels good to be a real thing again. I’ve been an incorporeal triangle for like, ever.” Bill said, rolling his single eye.

“Yeah, what’s the story behind your… appearance, anyway?” Dipper asked, curiosity taking over his remaining anger. Bill scratched his non-existent head, somehow managing, with his lack of a complete face, to look confused.

“I don’t remember everything… It’s been… 4,000 years? Maybe 5,000? I don’t know. I think I took this form to mimic something. Triangles. Big triangles. Maybe even… 3D triangles.”

“Pyramids..?” Dipper asked tentatively.

“Yeah those! I’m from Egypt. I think.” He looked more confused than ever now.

“What do you mean ‘from’?” Dipper asked. Bill laughed.

“From? Well let’s just say demons aren’t born. They’re made. From people like you!” Dipper looked shocked.

“Oh come on, Pine Tree, everybody knows that! Heck, I think I was even around your age when I got turned. The time really flies after you realize that time is relative and isn’t a real thing!” The hands on Dipper’s watch started moving around in very fast circles. However, he didn’t notice, too engrossed in what Bill was saying.

“You mean you used to be human? How did… this” He gestured towards Bill’s whole situation,”happen to you?”

A few images flashed over the demon’s form. They went by too fast for Dipper to make out. Bill tugged on his bowtie.

“From what I can remember, well I guess I was a little like you. I was always noticing weird things where I lived. But I got in a little too deep if ya know what I mean. And what I mean is I was turned into a dream demon. I’d had better Mondays. Anyway, 5,000 years later, and here we are!”  
Bill took off his hat and stretched out his arms as if presenting himself. However, his sort-of expression seemed to have changed to almost… wistful? Dipper was lost for words.

“Man, that changes… everything. Do you ever miss being human?” He asked. Bill scoffed.

“Me? Miss being human? Why would I miss that? All you meatbags do is sit around acting like your so-called “human experience” is at all relevant and/or important to the inexplicably vast multiverse and not, as is really the case, equivalent to less than a speck of dust submerged in the dark, endless, and ultimately meaningless cloak of the void.” Dipper merely stared on. Bill sighed.

“No, I do not miss being human.” He clarified. A lull fell between them as both resigned to their thoughts. A certain idea suddenly came to Dipper.

“Do you think there’s anything that can reverse your… demonization?” He asked, breaking the silence. Bill seemed to consider the thought for a moment.

“Maybe if you found the right incantation, but I told you. I enjoy being a demon. I get to do this!” He snapped his fingers and the roof seemed to give way. However, instead of falling to his death, Dipper woke up once again (despite never having been asleep). Somehow he’d been transported to his room. He sat up.

“Yeah, that’s gonna get old.” He said to himself, grabbing the journal off his bedside table and heading downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bill doesn't know the word "pyramid"


	3. Chapter 3

Dipper had been searching for a spell to reverse the effects of Bill’s demonization for a while now. While at first it had just been something he’d been thinking about on the side, he had become more and more focused as his curiosity got the better of him. He’d racked the journals, with and without black light, and had found nothing. 

This preoccupation, however, just gave him an excuse to avoid his family. When asked, he was merely looking for information on something he’d seen in the forest. Mabel had been obviously trying to make up for making him angry, and Dipper appreciated it. It wasn’t her who had been the main cause of the problem, after all. However, he needed some time alone. And this time took the form of unrelenting searching for a solution to the odd maybe-problem he’d discovered.

And at times Dipper did think he was crazy for pursuing the idea. How did he know Bill would even want to be human again? He’d denied attachment to his humanity when they’d talked, but Dipper was certain he’d heard something in Bill’s voice that gave him away.

This was most of why Dipper soon found himself at a magic shop. It hadn’t been too hard to find due to the supernatural nature of the town. It was one of those sad little places that obviously relied not on sorcery, but rather on the dimwittedness of its customers (the same logic that was behind the Mystery Shack’s business.) 

Still, Dipper was there with a purpose, and he found it in a aisle labeled “Demonic Conundrums”. Well that’s one way to put it, he thought. Eventually he found a book entitled “Demons? More Like Assholes, Amirite?”. Though the title alone probably should have been a bad sign, Dipper finally found what he was looking for, a page on curing demonhood. Apparently it was common belief in most cultures featuring demonic superstitions that demons were in fact warped humans.  
“Man, I am gonna need a lot of nutmeg.” He said to himself as he read the page.

…

Three days later, he was finally ready. Preparation for the spell had required more than enough nutmeg to be toxic, flashy amounts of candles, and lots of sneaking around Dipper’s family. He knew Mabel wouldn’t be exactly happy with what he was doing, and Ford would lose his mind if he found out Dipper was actively trying to bring Bill Cipher onto their plane of existence.

With this in mind, he’d decided to bring this ritual into the woods rather than outside the shack. When at last he’d gotten everything set up, he started reciting the incantation. 

“Exorcizo te, vivificandi te,  
praepara pro locum castitate.  
Libera animam.  
Veni gravitate spiritus.  
Purificare!”  
The circle of candles in front of him were engulfed in blue flames as the wind around him suddenly picked up, blowing off his hat. Despite his efforts to keep this hidden from his family, they must have heard the commotion, as they came running outside to where he was. 

“Dipper, what are you doing?!” Mabel asked, voice risen over the wind. She looked hurt.

“I’m- I don’t know. I’m kind of going off of a hunch-” Stan cut him off.

“Kid, I told you to stop going out and looking for this stuff!” He yelled. The wind was getting louder. Ford, on the other hand, had obviously recognized the blue fire. And, as Dipper had predicted, He did not look happy.

“Don’t tell me you’re summoning him!” He shouted. Dipper looked at the three angry and betrayed faces.

“It’s not what it looks like! I didn’t make a deal or anything, this could be good!” But before he could explain any further, the triangle appeared, only to seem to grow bigger and bigger, almost exploding. Out of the blinding light that accompanied the apparition came a form. It flew out of whatever was happening above the candles, before landing on the ground with a thud. The roaring wind and blue cumbustion immediately stopped. Everyone was silent as it rose to its feet.

“WOW this is weird. And great! Look at my arms. Look at them! Arms.” He punched himself.

“Dipper, who is this annoying child?” Stan asked. Dipper gaped.

“It’s- it’s him! It’s Bill! I did it!” Dipper ran over to inspect the dark-skinned boy who was experimenting with different forms of self-inflicted pain. Ford still looked stricken.

“Stop! He could still be dangerous!” He said. Dipper shook his head.

“No, this should’ve gotten rid of all his powers.” Dipper said, currently observing Bill’s fingers.

“What?!” Bill was suddenly alert. “I can’t be like this forever! It’s only fun for like 72 hours before it gets all awful and existential. Change me back.” 

“Um, I don’t know how to do that. And come on! Being a human is gonna be awesome! You can answer so many questions, I don’t even know where to start!” Dipper took out a pen and started clicking it.

“Whoa, hold up there, Pine Tree. First things first: if I’m stuck like this, I am not your pet.” 

Mabel, who had been mostly looking between the two of them in shock, suddenly spoke up.

“Dipper!” She shouted. He and Bill looked up.

“Dipper.” She said again at normal volume, “What the flip. What is going on here? What did you do?” He sighed. “I may have found out that demons start out as humans and reversed the process.” He said guiltily, bracing himself for her anger. Instead, her eyes widened.

“That’s like, a whole extra brother!” She exclaimed, running over to them. “Grunkle Stan, can we keep him?” Stan looked on at the three of them.

“If it means more free child labor, I accept. Alright, this seems like a safe situation to leave you in. I’m going to bed.” He left. Ford, however, was still there, staring distrustfully at Bill. He turned to Dipper.

“That thing steps a toe out of line, we’re getting rid of it.” He said darkly before leaving as well.

“Rude.” Bill said. Mabel just brushed it off. 

“Don’t worry. I’m making you a sweater. No, I’ll make us all matching sweaters! This is so exciting!” She began to ramble on about all the things they could do with three people. But Dipper was worried about what Ford had said. Did he really feel that strongly? And what did ‘get rid of’ mean? He quelled his anxious thoughts as Mabel dragged both of them to the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what fantastic shenanigans will they get up to next


	4. Chapter 4

The next few weeks went by, honestly, a lot better than Dipper had been expecting. Mabel was thrilled with the new addition to the household, and Stan mostly ignored it, quietly accepting defeat. Soos, having been intimidated at first was, well, still intimidated, but was masking it well. Wendy, however, who had never met nor heard of Bill, was just working on wrapping her head around why and how this new person had come to live with them. This left Dipper feeling, for the most part, astounded that Bill had been incorporated into their lives in a not-awful way.

On the other hand, Grunkle Ford had barely talked to him since the night he’d turned Bill human. He had however gotten a lot of distrustful stares from him. Dipper tried to ignore this and enjoy the family’s new dynamic. And that was an odd one.

Bill was, in short, the weirdest kid Dipper had ever known. Other than Mabel. Not that this was exactly a bad thing. Double the crazy was contrasting Dipper’s seriousness well. And not even when it was all three of them together. He was getting… comfortable with Bill’s company even when it was just the two of them alone. Uncomfortably comfortable. Not that Dipper would ever tell anyone about any of that. Ever.

What he was focusing on and not pushing to the darkest corners of his mind were the adventures the three of them were now going on together. The best part was that everything was pretty much the same as it had always been. They continued to search for and encounter the supernatural beings found in the journals, only this time with the expertise of one of these supernatural beings himself.

But recently, that particular supernatural being had begun to seem worried about something. When questioned, Bill dismissed all accusations that he’d been acting any certain way. Despite this, Dipper had caught him rifling through the journal on more than one occasion. This worried both Dipper and Mabel. If Bill Cipher was anxious, a big storm must be coming. 

This wasn’t to say that this was stopping Bill from finding and getting into whatever trouble he could. Within the first two weeks he’d been in the corporeal world, he’d already gotten them banned from three places. But this was admittedly, by their usual standards, not awful. Additionally, he and Mabel had managed to get in a bit of trouble with the law (that definitely did not involve a grappling hook).

But all in all, in Dipper’s opinion, Bill living with the Pines was definitely not the worst thing ever to happen to them. This was most of why Dipper wasn’t scared the third time Bill came to him on the roof. Or the fourth. Or the fifth, sixth, seventh, or eighth. Not having any powers made him much less intimidating. Thus started a new sort of ritual of them going up on the roof to talk about the supernatural, the paranormal, and occasionally other things. “Other things” usually consisted of topics like stars, void, memes, and pestering Dipper for his real name.

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“Doesn’t matter. I already know.”

“What? How?”

“All-knowing demon, remember?”

“Ex all-knowing demon.”

“Whatever, I’ve still got it.”

Basically, everything was going great until the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *leaves cliffhanger to buy more time to think of a plot*


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry I'm such a fucking meme

Bill’s behavior was starting to worry both Dipper and Mabel. He’d seemed more and more stressed about something the longer he lived with them. However, Mabel mostly brushed it off, while Dipper would rest at nothing to figure out what had him so anxious.

The answer finally came one day when Dipper found a note on his bed saying only “Meet me in the woods, I need to ask you something. It’s important and cool and not dumb also I will die if you don’t come thx.” 

This seemed urgent enough, so he went to find him. It took him a while, since Bill hadn’t actually specified exactly where to meet him, but eventually he found him lying face down on the ground in a clearing. Dipper approached him.

“Are you okay?” Bill rolled over onto his back.

“I’m dying. Of shame. And probably sleep deprivation, whatever that is.” He groaned. “And- feelings!” He added, slapping his hands over his face. Dipper rolled his eyes.

“What are you talking about?” He asked. Bill sighed.

“See, this is why I didn’t want to be human. There’s too much gross stuff. Your head gets mixed up and everything is awful.” He sat up, head still in his hands. Dipper was starting to get worried.

“I still don’t follow… why have you been acting so weird?” He asked.

“Okay, okay, fine. I’ve been looking for an answer. To a question. That I have. I need to know…”

“What?”

“If you…”

“Yeah?”

“Will go on a…” He looked at some smudged writing on his hand, “Death. No- date! It says date.” They stared at each other for a long time. Finally, Dipper spoke.

“Um… Sure. I guess.” They stared a while longer before Bill got up and walked stiffly in the other direction, walking into several trees as he went.

…

Dipper sat in the attic, freaking out to Mabel.

“What do I do?! I don’t know how to go on dates with boys! I-I don’t know how to go on dates with girls! I don’t know how to go on dates!” Mabel rolled her eyes.

“Calm down, bro! You just happen to be talking to a dating expert.” She said, waving her hand.

“Didn’t all your dates leave or, you know, turn out to be gnomes?”

“Okay, like, that’s not important, my point is that I can help you out. With dating tips!” She said it with the same rigor with which she usually said “grappling hook”. Dipper grimaced.

“I don’t think I want or need that. At all. I’ve got to make a plan.” Mabel stared at him.

“Dipper. Every idea you have is bad. Maybe you should just feel this one out, you know?”

“No! I don’t know! I have no idea what to do!”

“Well I think you should just act natural. And don’t wear a bowtie!”

…

Thus began the most awkward day of Dipper’s life. Being friends with Bill had been one thing, this was much worse. Sure, Dipper liked him, but that didn’t mean he’d ever been one to really act on his feelings. Despite this, there they were, feeding ducks for some reason? Somehow, this had worked out to be a logical date idea. Well, “date” wasn’t the best word for what they were doing. If Dipper had to give it a name, it would be “sitting in silence while uncomfortably staring at ducks”, but whatever, he wasn’t into labels. 

“SO,” Bill started, “What are your opinions on… hell?” There was more staring after that.

“Um, what about it?” DIpper asked uncertainly.

“Oh, everything! I just think it’s great, especially how big an impact the European incarnation slash idealization of Abrahamic heaven and hell have impacted modern society. And stuff.” He threw an entire loaf of bread into the water.

“I mean, yeah, I guess that is interesting.” Dipper said, still trying to figure out if agreeing to go on a date with an ex-all-powerful demon had been a good idea. “But you’re not even from there, why do you care about stuff like that?” Bill shrugged.

“Humans are dumb. And cute. But mostly dumb. I like watching them make mistakes.”

“...Oh.” Dipper said awkwardly. Bill’s eyes widened.

“Not you though! You’re a Great Dude™!” He said enthusiastically. Dipper eyed him warily.

“Um, thanks.”

 

…

Despite the less-than-stellar start to the date, the rest hadn’t gone too badly. The conversation topics eventually (finally) strayed from hell and moved on to lighter topics. It wasn’t until the end of the outing when things got uncomfortable. After rising from where they had been sitting, Bill leaned in, obviously trying to kiss him. Dipper jumped back, surprised. The only kiss he’d ever experienced was giving reverse-CPR to a merman, and that was a memory he’d been trying to repress for a while. 

He was already getting anxious about his reaction to the current situation. He was anxious in general about the current situation. He was just always anxious all the time. They stared at each other. After a beat, Bill backwards-walked away. Which turned into backward running. As soon as he was gone, Dipper groaned.

“I should’ve worn a bowtie.” He mumbled to himself before turning to walk home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda wanted Bill to crab walk away after being rejected. but no.


End file.
